There is literally nothing more tedious on Earth than some scared 15-year-old fanboy thicko witlessly pronouncing that the iPod, iPhone and iPad aren't "proper" videogaming devices, because "all the games are five-minute casual Flash rubbish or Angry Birds".
It gets really wearisome having to point out how ignorant and stupid they are in detail every time, so to save myself a bit of effort in the long run I've knocked up a convenient one-stop counterpoint for easy reference.
Please note: I'm in no way suggesting these are necessarily the best games in the App Store. Those of us who are already confident in their maturity are more than happy playing Electro Master, Dungeon Raid, Meteor Blitz, Bob Jump, Ready Action!, Finger Sling and of course Rise Of The Robot Dogs without needing to prove to anyone how "hardcore" we are.
I'm just demonstrating that a broad range exists, and that you get all this conventional stuff on top of Fruit Ninja, Drop7, Soosiz, Monster Dash, Pix'n Love Rush and the literally hundreds of other brilliant, brand-new game types unique to iOS that sell for the price of a bag of cheese'n'onion McCoys, or a third of a 1987 Spectrum budget game on cassette tape.
Oh, and you REALLY need to shut up about real buttons too. In the early days when nobody had quite figured out how to do old-fashioned d-pad games on a touchscreen device there was a valid case for criticism as they blundered around with horrible fixed virtual sticks, but pretty much everyone's figured it out by now. Games like League Of Evil are every bit as fluidly controllable as New Super Mario Bros ever was.
So let's get to it.
(All prices correct at time of writing, but are frequently lower.)
Zombie Infection (£1.79)
Basically Resident Evil 4 without all the brown.
GT Racing: Motor Academy (£2.99)
A bit like Gran Turismo PSP, except with other cars in it.
(See also Real Racing 2, pictured above, which effortlessly manages 15 CPU opponents where GT Mobile has a pitiful three, and which has a metastructure that if anything is even more fun-grudgingly "realistic" than the PSP game.)
Rock Band (£2.99)
(See also Guitar Hero, Dance Dance Revolution, Tap Tap Revenge and lots more, in many of which you can use your own music library instead of paying 99p a track for a load of Metallica and dismal hair-metal from 1985.)
Dead Space (£3.99)
Most of these are way up at the premium end of the App Store. Yet you could still buy everything mentioned in this feature – over 50 games – for less than the price of the three Nintendogs titles the 3DS is launching with.
Tom Clancy's HAWX (£2.99)
Seen 3D air combat this pretty on the DS recently?
Rally Master Pro 3D (£2.99)
Like Colin McRae Rally when it was still good, before it turned into whatever the hell that thing was that it turned into.
Espgaluda 2 (£5.49)
(See also: Dodonpachi Resurrection.)
There isn't even a shred of competition when it comes to handheld bullet-hell. Go back and play Ketsui Death Label again if you want to see the size of the gulf, and even if the 3DS and NGP improve on the shooter catalogues of their previous generations, who wants to play a portrait-mode shmup either by awkwardly twisting a hefty PSP2 around 90 degrees, or on two different-sized landscape screens with a big gap between them?
Modern Combat 2: Black Pegasus (£3.99)
All of these are iPhone screenshots, incidentally. And we're actually skipping over most of Gameloft's vast stable of FPS knockoffs of famous hits (eg Halo lookylikey N.O.V.A.).
Command & Conquer: Red Alert (£2.99)
Real-time strategy could hardly be better suited to touch-screen control.
Although if your role-playing tastes are more from the Dungeon Master/Eye Of The Beholder era, the splendid Undercroft might be more up your alley.
Our favourites when it comes to turn-based RPGing, however, are the superb reimaginings of Doom 2 and Wolfenstein, which utilised some ingenious lateral thinking to completely eliminate any potential control issues.
X-Plane Airliner (£5.99)
Serious flight sims? Check and roger. (The X-Plane series alone runs to a dozen games, and there are plenty of others.)
Dark Nova (£2.39)
Still missing Elite after all these years? Not a problem.
Need For Speed Hot Pursuit (£1.79)
Cutting straight to the chase, in every sense.
Galaxy On Fire 2 (£3.99)
Epic-scale space combat.
Dungeon Hunter 2 (£3.99)
Epic-scale non-space combat.
Civilization Revolution (£3.99)
Epic-scale epics. (Not required: floppy-disk-swapping.)
Gangstar: West Coast Hustle (£2.99)
(For something a bit different, Car Jack Streets 2 is also looking very stylish.)
Broken Sword: Director's Cut (£2.99)
Pretty much all of your favourite Lucasart-style adventure games from the 90s get a whole new lease of life on iOS.
Monkey Island 1 & 2, Flight Of The Amazon Queen, Beneath A Steel Sky, Simon The Sorceror and lots of others, they're all here in fancy new graphically-prettified versions with intuitive and natural touch control.
(As well as plenty of all-original adventuring too.)
FIFA 11 (£2.99)
Finally, a console football game that isn't too complicated for the people who actually star in it to play. (See also: PES, Real Football, X2.)
Neuroshima Hex (£2.99)
Good luck finding yourself some excellent original board games on any other videogame format nowadays…
…to go alongside superb ports of legendary real-life titles like Catan (above, with expansion packs too) and Carcassone, as well as sensibly-priced versions of family favourites like Monopoly, Scrabble and Risk for under two quid, rather than £25 cartridge releases.
Reckless Racing (£0.59)
Remember all those game genres you used to love that they don't make any more? Turns out they still do, if you look in the right place.
The Settlers (£2.99)
We've already documented extensively here on WoSblog how the iThings are almost like tiny portable Amigas. Speedball 2, Llamatron, Qwak, Warblade, they're all back, and better than ever. Worms is back too, but I suppose you can't have everything.
Playstation 1 fans can also relive their glory days, though we're sure Sony are hard at work even as we speak trying to find a way to stop them.
Battle For Wesnoth (£0.59)
300+ hours of heavy RPG action is just about as far from a five-minute Flash game as it's technically possible to get. Personally, give me the five-minute Flash game any day, but the people who like to spend hundreds of hours pretending to be a wizard seem to love this.
Resident Evil 4 (£2.99)
Resident Evil 4, with all the brown restored.
The Sims 3 Ambitions (£1.79)
We're a bit unsettled that there's a camera here.
Madden NFL 11 (£1.19)
Being able to draw your own plays (and not having to sit through six hours of ads) is almost enough to make American Football exciting.
Chaos Rings (£7.49)
From the people who brought you the Final Fantasy series, a completely unrelated game that coincidentally looks just like Final Fantasy.
Football Manager (£2.99)
Now you can miss the entire point of football on the bus too. (Try Soccer Superstars for a more fun footy-manny experience, which also has player-manager options if you want to get more involved.)
Street Fighter IV (£2.99)
This was on promo sale for 59p not long ago. Alternatively, why not fork over £39.99 for essentially the same game on 3DS?
Uni War (£0.59)
Whatever happened to Advance Wars, eh? We loved Advance Wars.
Oddly, though, there hasn't been so much as a hint of a new one coming out for the 3DS. Luckily you can keep the flame alive with a whole slew of great iOS titles like Uni War, as well as Rebirth Of Fortune (complex), Highborn (funny), Palm Heroes (pretty) and more.
There's also Mecho Wars, actually the closest of the AW clones and also featuring online competition, for the nearest thing currently available to the tragically-lost Email X-Com.
Rise Of Lost Empires (£2.99)
Not all that similar to Flight Control.
FPS with all the headshot action and none of the yawnsome trudging around.
Pocket Legends (free)
This list, it should be noted, comprises only the things I can bear to mention. There are whole enormous genres of online MMOs, casino stuff, Farmville-type social games and the like for iOS machines that I'm not qualified to comment on, because I'd rather be shot in the face than play one.
Infinity Blade (£3.49)
Well, we could hardly not mention it, could we? A graphical tour-de-force, but also an innovative new slant on traditional beat-'em-ups like Soul Calibur, except with more depth and skill. And for the price of a deli sandwich rather than most of a decent digital camera or 16GB MP3 player.
You're getting the idea by now, hopefully. If you're still dismissing iOS games as throwaway slices of trivial bite-sized fun (as if that was a bad thing anyway, you pompous tool), it really is time you shut your parping noise-hole before you make any more of a twat of yourself. It's for your own good, kids.