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Wings Over Sealand

Why I want England to lose at Euro 2012

Posted on June 11, 2012 by RevStu

Much as Scots have grown accustomed to trying to pretend otherwise, you'll probably have noticed that there's currently another international football tournament going on without us. This evening sees the first appearance in the European Championship of the England team, the only side competing in the entire competition who don't have a national anthem to call their own.

Over two decades of living in England hasn't changed this writer's feelings towards the country's international team much. I still want them to lose – not because I hate the English people, but precisely because I like them.

Cheering on your nearest neighbours in sporting competitions is, in my view, a deeply disrespectful and unfriendly thing to do. Celtic supporters don't cheer Rangers on in Europe. (Remember THOSE days, Rangers fans?) Manchester Utd fans don't say "Well, if WE can't win the league I hope Man City do, because they're from around here like us." The Dutch share a border and a fair amount of culture with Germany, but the two nations aren't known for mutual support and well-wishing.

Sporting rivalry, for all its occasional and frequently-overstated problems, is the least unhealthy outlet for the tribal antipathies that are hard-wired into human DNA. Mocking your neighbours' failures – and accepting in good humour their mockery of yours – is an elaborate and delicate ritualising of the process of civilisation. It says "We recognise that you are different to us, but we have parlayed that genetic enmity into a harmless and pro-social form." It's all the fun of war, without (usually, at least) all the bloodshed, genocide, crippled economies and general unpleasantness.

Wishing your neighbours success, on the other hand, is in its core essence an insult. It indicates that you don't consider them a threat, and that they can therefore be safely encouraged and patronised. When England supporters cheer on the other nations of the British Isles, subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) they're saying that they're not a danger – that they don't fear Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland (and for the extra-condescending, even the Republic Of Ireland) progressing through the competition because if England were ever to find themselves playing them they would present no obstacle to English progress. They are, if you like, cannon fodder, sent out to hopefully remove more serious opposition, or at least blunt its claws a little for the day when it will face the England team.

(The historic military analogy, we trust, is so obvious as not to need spelling out.)

That, then, is why when I find myself watching sporting contests against third parties with English friends, I do them the basic courtesy of cheering for the other side, and expect the same in return. (NB we employ this protocol when watching games in each other's houses, not in pubs – I'm principled, not suicidal. Though remind me to tell you the tale sometime of how I accidentally started a major riot in Blackpool in 1990.)

There are other good reasons to will on England's opponents, too. Scotland is still primarily served with sporting coverage by the BBC, and the Corporation is known for a clumsy approach at times such as these. Inhabit any Scottish corner of the Twittersphere during any game of an international tournament (not just football) and you won't find difficulty in locating hordes of Scots fuming in irritation as the commentators crowbar talk of England into even games between Lithuania and Paraguay, and cut immediately to "news from the England camp" after the most cursory of half-time analyses.

Imagine, then, the consequences of England winning Euro 2012. It's safe to say that we wouldn't have heard the last of it by the time the referendum comes round – we haven't heard the last of 1966 yet, and that was almost half a century ago, when the Soviet Union was still one country rather than 15 and half the globe didn't even enter the World Cup.

It's not just football. The blanket media coverage of England's 2005 cricketing Ashes victory – in which they finally managed to win a tournament with only two teams in it, for the first time in almost 20 years, immediately resulting in the entire team getting MBEs and OBEs – went on for months. By any sort of empirical measure Scotland's home-and-away victories over France in the Euro 2008 qualifying campaign were a greater achievement, but James McFadden didn't get invited to Buckingham Palace.

An against-the-odds capturing of the Henri Delauny Trophy would spark a media outpouring of English triumphalism on a scale never seen before in these islands, and could sour relations between Scottish and English people more than anything since the Highland Clearances. It hardly bears thinking about, and as a resident of England with a great many dear and cherished English friends I don't want to see such a wedge driven between our two peoples.

Sweden, France and Ukraine are all competent sides, but none of their domestic leagues ought to be able to hold a candle to the stars of the Premiership, even with depleted ranks due to suspension, injury and the inability of the English manager to trust his central defenders not to kick each other rather than the opposition. The draw could easily keep England apart from their traditional nemesis Germany until the final. This is the last European Championship with only 16 teams, meaning just three knockout matches (all of which the talismanic and sometimes magical Wayne Rooney will be available for) stand between any side and victory. It's doable.

I for one, though, will be fervently praying it doesn't get done. I like the English people too much. And quite apart from that, it's only polite.

13 to “Why I want England to lose at Euro 2012”

  1. Irish Al says:

    An interesting theory – it is indeed kind of odd that regional rivalries are accepted yet national ones are frowned upon. There is definitely an interesting process at work there. Taking the England case in particular, I don't know if the fact that many English fans will take an interest in ROI/Wales/Scotland stems from the fact that quite a lot of them might have ancestors from those places, rather than any 'aw look at the cute ex-colonies' attitude.

  2. Maffew says:

    Do tell us please about your Blackpool rioting.

  3. daneel says:

    You might like the poll the Reading Evening Post is running on England's chances (bottom right of linked page)

  4. Pomegran says:

    I've been to Blackpool for the last 2 Replay events and I can tell you something. It doesn't take much to start a riot in a pub there. In fact I think it's encouraged.

  5. Captain Stylish says:

    I don't quite buy it.
    Firstly because like many English peeps, I don't really care for the England team that much (for every moron who's covered their car in flags, there's a person like me I reckon). But secondly because I at least want to see Scotland do as well as to qualify for major competitions.
    Why? Well some of the best England games I've seen have been England v Scotland. That would be something that would get me interested again. Not because I hate the Scots but because it would be a cracking match. 
    Even if you hate the rivals down the road, you still want your derby game against them. And that at least requires then to be in the same league/competition as you.

  6. RevStu says:

    Of course. It's ridiculous that Scotland have played England just three times in the last 20-odd years, but the FA would rather fill international weekends with crappy meaningless friendlies. Everyone else would rather have the Home Internationals back in the odd-numbered years between World Cups and Euros.

  7. Malicious Afterthought says:

    What I find silly is the talk of "major tournaments" when England only play in the Euros and the World Cup. Throughout the year they should have a round robin tournament, with England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. Maybe invite a fifth team in for extra bonus points. Regarding Monday's game, I thought it was an industriously dull affair and I was irritated from the beginning with the Tyldesley saying "Agincourt, Waterloo and now Donetsk", which was cringeworthy and embarrassing for all concerned.

  8. Irish Al says:

    I reckon quite a few top-flight players (as in the top of the Premiership, Serie A etc) don't actually particularly want to play for the national team at all.

  9. Lenny says:

    I reckon quite a few top-flight players (as in the top of the Premiership, Serie A etc) don't actually particularly want to play for the national team at all.
    I suspect you're correct. Who, after all, wants to spend their holiday doing more work, being separated from family and friends and losing out on big-bucks endorsement deals?
    Anyway, there'd be no point in a Home Nations football tourney because England would win it every single time.

  10. Irish Al says:

    With the largest population of the lot and one of the top leagues in the world you're probably right.

  11. romanista says:

    "Sweden, France and Ukraine are all competent sides, but none of their domestic leagues ought to be able to hold a candle to the stars of the Premiership, "

    stu, you clearly didn't read simon kuper's book about WHY england lose, the premiership's strenghth is one of the reasons

  12. Craig says:

    The most heart warming site of Euro 2012. Witness a certain crowd member's celebration around the two minute mark:

  13. Cactus says:

    'Mon the World Cup 2018!

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    Hello. I am the Rev. Stuart Campbell,
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