modern culture since 1991

Wings over Sealand


National Twat Day

Posted on March 25, 2011 by RevStu

Viewers, a confluence like this comes around about once a decade. If it's as sunny, warm and beautiful where you are as it is in Bath today, get out there and witness the phenomenon for yourself.

If it isn't, don't worry – you can do it indoors too.

There is nothing dumber, or more embarrassing, in the whole wide world of videogaming than the day-one early adopter. The sort of schmuck who will gladly hand over chunks of their money to "pre-order" something (itself an idiotic, utterly meaningless phrase – if you've put down a deposit to buy something, you've just fucking ordered it), giving GAME or whoever their cash to earn interest on for months for the privilege of being allowed to buy something that they could just walk into the store and buy anyway.

The sort of picowit who'll commit weeks and weeks in advance to purchasing something from a specific outlet when, as we've seen recently with the 3DS, they could get a huge discount even on launch day and in High Street stores by simply shopping around.

The sort of hapless cretin who'll voluntarily sleep outside in near-zero overnight temperatures just to be the equivalent of the hated-by-everyone moron who posts "First!" in website comment threads.

The sort of knife-and-fork operator whose life is so tragically empty, whose priorities are so fucked up that they'll miss their own child's birthday in order to actually make some kind of event out of Apple releasing a barely-different ten-month iteration of their latest £600 piece of shiny pretty kit.

The sort of irredeemable brain donor who'll not only queue up for their launch-day 3DS but queue to buy it from HMV, tempted by a tinfoil sheet and the chance of a "free" game that they're actually in effect paying £55 for.

The sort of drooling oxygen thief who'll buy a Nintendo handheld on launch day despite the absolute certainty established by decades of history that there'll be a far better version of the same machine out within 18 months. Which they'll then also go out and buy. On launch day.

The sort of eminently-punchable shitsack who'll shriek with joy and gratitude at the chance to pay 16 times the price of a normal game to play one that came out 20 years ago, in a marketplace where premium-priced apps are invariably on sale for half-price or even much less within a month.

(WoSblog quick review of iOS Final Fantasy 3: it took me a total of 22 random, unavoidable battles with teleporting-in monsters to get out of the first cave, which was roughly one every eight steps. Fuck off/10.)

Let's be clear about this. If you've queued up for a 3DS or an iPad 2 today, or coughed up nine-and-a-half quid for Final Fantasy 3, you're a fucking idiot. You're the sort of gullible, neurotic sheep that keeps the price of everything artificially high, and who ensures that big greedy companies hoover up all the cash and put creative developers out of business.

You're an embarrassment to gamers with an ounce of common sense or self-respect, and to humanity in general. It's days like this that make me wish Al-Qaeda were better at recruiting suicide bombers.

36 to “National Twat Day”

  1. I didn't even know this was coming out today. Because I don't care.
    *is aloof and superior*

  2. oml says:

    I'm weirdly grateful to early adopters, they buy all the shit versions of new tech and effectively beta test it so that by the time I get around to taking an interest it does what it was supposed to.

  3. I ordered my 3DS online a few weeks ago, and it arrived on Tuesday.

  4. Dick Socrates says:

    Real quote from a Kotaku commenter, regarding the late Amazon 3DS delivers: 
    I never pre-order games online, its all about that day one bought-from-the-shop feel. As I intend to do with Crysis, in about 30 minutes time!

    Day one bought-from-the-shop feel.  That's what 'its all about'. 

    I feel a sense of desolation on a par with being stranded in the middle of a desert for days with no water.  Wandering and stumbling in confusion, unable to make sense of anything any more.  I'd give up, but that wouldn't solve the problem.

  5. I've seen people changing their Facebook profile pictures to the 3DS.
     
    What's wrong with these people?

  6. Deano says:

    Yes, but there is something exciting about being one of the first people in the world to experience something isn't there? I get that.
     
    But for the 3DS: Nintendo have already sold a crap-load to other countries. If you imported, you'd have one already. I don't understand people that are so dedicated they'll queue overnight to get something, but not so dedicated they'll pay a small premium to have one shipped over.
     

  7. John Matthews says:

    It's a small thing, but thank you so much for the aside about 'pre-order'. See also 'pre-book'. Amazing how these bits of crap language creep in.

  8. DG says:

    Deano – Because if you paid a small premium to have one shipped over, it wouldn't work with UK games.

  9. Deano says:

    So you'd be limited to ordering games from abroad where they're cheaper and come out sooner? The horror!

  10. Jon says:

    "It's days like this that make me wish Al-Qaeda were better at recruiting suicide bombers."
     
    Fucking hell, Stuart!

  11. No Name says:

    A fine collection of insults, sir. Picowit in particular shall remain a favourite of mine.

  12. Dave Wallace says:

    Just popped back from town and was amazed that both HMV and Game are charging the full £39.99 for every 3DS launch title.
    Firstly, app store pricing has clearly caused a much needed paradigm shift in what a game is "worth", even if some stand, fingers in ears and pretending they don't hear. I purchased the iOS version of Streetfighter IV the other day for 59p (and that was donated to Japanese earthquake relief so was essentially free). Whilst some may bemoan the lack of physical buttons, the 3DS version is clearly not worth 68 times as much as the iphone one.
    Secondly, Streetfighter IV is at least a pretty decent game. Asking 40 quid for Asphalt 3D is just insulting.
    There are plenty of people on internat gaming forums that like to describe ipod/iphone/ipad owners as some sort of pandered elite looking down on others. But you could skip right past the ipod touch line-up and go straight for the iphone 4 and still be saving money compared to a 3DS after purchasing only 8 games.

  13. Mark says:

    Dear me.  You're a bit grumpy today.  You been up all night?

  14. Dan de la peche says:

    I'd just like to agree with Dave. i bought SFIV, as it was 59p (which is, as Stu says, the point I will just impulse buy stuff). It's not too bad, the controls are do-able, and the graphics are lovely. 
    There is no cocking way I would spend nigh-on £40 for it. Not a fucking hope in hell. The £40 price point is the reason I use Lovefilm's £6 a month rental service (although sadly I no longer get to have a decent "library" of games), and I'd only grudgingly pay that for a high-end current-gen title – not a handheld game.
    The iOS stuff has really moved the goalposts, in a way I never thought I'd see in the age of avatar clothing, horse armour, and £15 map packs. I think the App Store has become the new Wii, in it's wide-ranging appeal, and the 3DS has become the new PSP, in that only the techies actually give a fuck. 
    Sorry if that's less than coherent, I'm drinking. 

  15. Dan de la peche says:

    Yeah, that's rambly. Sorry. 

  16. Tom K. says:

    Early-adopters are so unlike the bulk of humanity – who, without joy, must consider each decision to do with money carefully in order to wring the most benefit out of limited resources – that they are either pathologically inclined to impulsive and self-destructive behaviour or, even more disgustingly, perching high at the top of a rickety pyramid of fiscal slavery that they unwittingly benefit massively from without ever realising that the price humanity pays for the lucky few having a new toy 5 months before everyone else buys it for half the price is that pregnant women have to work in chemical factories amidst each others’ aborting foetuses.

    Er, I mean, fucking self-important assholes.

  17. Nixon says:

    i like drooling oxygen thief myself. also fuck off / 10.
    "pre-order" is distinct from "order" in that it exclusively refers to an item thaat hasn't been released yet. though it's still stupid in that it implies you've taken a step preparatory to ordering, rather than ordering something before it's available – "advance order" would be better. (stupid lack of capitals, sorry)

  18. chris says:

    I got an iPad 2 today (the cheapest wifi version), and think it was a quite rational thing to do given I'll be out of the country till May from the middle of next week and wanted to play with GarageBand on my travels (to the least-exciting places imaginable, for work).
    Even so, this didn't make me feel any less of a cretin in the queue — it was like being in a zoo, with regular people snapping photos and looking at "us" with a mixture of pity and contempt.
    I was back home an hour later than usual (7pm)  and only joined the queue after a decent pub lunch, about 2pm. (Still a ridiculous waste of time, but not as egregious as some).
    I can't imagine a set of circumstances that'd see me repeat the experience, but it really is a spiffy little device and I'm glad I got it today. And one that I did NOT have to pre-order.

  19. Rob M says:

    'Knife-and-fork operator'?

  20. RevStu says:

    Like “oxygen thief”, but with food instead of air. I think the original derivation is a military one, referring to people who consume resources but produce nothing useful.

  21. Nixon says:

    "Fork and spoon operator" is from the Simpsons, it's one of the ways Smithers refers to the other employees.

    I actually did queue up for something on National Twat Day, I've just realised – my walk home takes me past a concert venue, and for some reason Krispy Kreme were giving away huge boxes of free doughnuts outside a Kylie Minogue show.  But the queue moved really fast.  And it was made up of flamboyantly gay men and teenage girls in pink sparkly attire rather than mouth-breathing spods.  And I got a huge free box of doughnuts without having to hear Kylie Minogue.  Who wins? Me, that's who.

  22. Bruno says:

    So I guess you're not buying a 3DS today?

  23. Bob says:

    Stu's just pissed that he didn't get there early enough to be at the front of the queue.

  24. Dumpster says:

    I make a post a few weeks ago on RLLMUK about this.  I couldn't understand why so many people were excited about the 3DS and placing deposits at a time when people had not even seen them.  Personally, I don't get the idea at all.  The 3D seems to work if your head is in exactly the right place, and the Nintendo rep in HMV told me yesterday that you should not use the 3D mode for more than 30 mins at a time – I mean, where's the fun in that?
     
    I did chuckle at an overheard conversation in Currys yesterday.  The manager couldn't understand why there was such a long queue outside the Apple store – I saw a friend of mine in that queue, he joined at 1pm and the store was opening to sell Ipads at 5pm.  They let 20 people in at a time, and I saw my friend about to go in the store about 5.50pm. The manager of Curry's was astonished because he'd had them openly on sale since 9am that morning, and people could just walk in off the street and buy them.

    When I managed a branch of Game about 8 years ago, I have experience of the midnight launches we did for the Dreamcast, PS2 and Xbox.  For the guy at HMV in Liverpool to be offering a free game to the first 100 customers, still, at 4.30pm on a launch day makes me believe this console has utterly stiffed at retail, and will be £150 with a game within 3 months. I worked in a smaller store with a fraction of the footfall of  the busy Liverpool One shops, and if I'd sold less than 100 units over the entire launch day, I'd be shot.

  25. Captain Caveman says:

    Well, I've never bothered queuing to get my hands on the first anything, but I wouldn't be quite so harsh! I'm sure there is an element of some people wanting the supposed kudos of having a particular game and/or console a few hours or days before the herd going on here, but there again, there's plenty of genuine enthusiasm and passion for games going on here too. That doesn't strike me as a particularly bad thing? Afterall, given the inevitable march of time, these people will surely become the jaded, cynical, tight-wadded old fuckers that we have surely become, Stu – let's face it, nothing gets the likes of us out of bed these days.
    Besides, even now, I can sort of understand it – if someone told me I had to queue for 8 hours to get my hands on a totally new Ridge Racer 8 for the PS3 that wasn't some lame Burnout clone in 2012 if I'm lucky, shit, even I'd be getting the folding chair and flask out.

  26. RevStu says:

    I’m enormously excited about the new Bangai-O and EDF games, to name but two (especially the first – I could hardly BE any more feverish at the prospect of big-screen high-def Bangai-O without massive slowdown), but with the former I’ll still download the trial version first to make sure they haven’t fucked it up, and if the latter comes out at £40 I’ll still wait until it’s either discounted or available pre-owned for £20. (And if it should unexpectedly be released at £20 I’ll wander down to Gamestation sometime in the first week, not queue up overnight.) Don’t mistake “unwillingness to be ripped off” (or reluctance to act like a five-year-old on Christmas morning) for “inability to be excited about something”.

  27. Captain Caveman says:

    Fair enough.
    I guess I'm just a '5 year old on Christmas morning' kind of guy at heart, even now. :)

  28. Captain Caveman says:

    … On the plus side however, I must confess that I did find the term "picowit" inordinately funny.

  29. Jon says:

    Hey Stu,
    Loved the post – seemed to sum up the state of things quite nicely – especially loved the "picowit" comment – I'm going to have to make sure I put that "slap" in the next update of my FieryDragon insult generator.
    In fact if you don't mind here's a few promo codes for the latest version for you and your readers.
     
     
    JWAWP96EAK4F 
    JW97TTLL6EKH 
    YE9RYMJPHX43 
    THTFPXE6MYWW
    You can find it on the app store – search for "Fiery Dragon" alternatively here's a bit.ly link to both the premium (for use with the promo codes) and free versions.
     
    http://bit.ly/fierydragon and http://bit.ly/fireydragonlite
     
    Sorry no "pre-orders" taken – but you can mail your insults (for inclusion in the next release) to bring-it-on@thefierydragon.com 8-)
     
    Cheers
     

  30. Tom K. says:

    How about “undercover marketing operative” as an insult?

    In other news, I am now selling my used pants to fetishistic men and women for a tidy fee. Please visit my website,
    http://www.stenchofsex.co.uk,
    for more details.

  31. Tom K. says:

    Please don’t click on that link, just in case.

  32. RevStu says:

    To be fair, it's hardly "undercover".

  33. Fruitbat says:

    I remember being the only person waiting for a Gamecube outside the Currys in Bath city centre, the day it came out. You might not have saw me, being the only person there.
     
    I'd set my alarm for 7am, to give me enough time to get ready and into town for 9. So when I woke up and it was bright outside, I figured "sod it, it must be about day time". Got up, showered, went to the kitchen for some breakfast…
     
    And it was 6am. Fuck.
     
    So I spent the next two hours finishing up Sonic Adventure, and then got to town. And was STILL too early.

  34. Dumpster says:

    Very interested by the 3DS thread on RLLMUK.  It seems to have gone through 3 stages:
    1 – a sea of enthusiasm for a console everyone had preordered but no-one had seen.

    2 – Everyone LOVING their new console, meeting people on streetpass and being very excited.
     
    3- two completely split groups – ones who are glad they didnt buy it and are bemoaning the lack of original software and enjoying the recent price drops, and the other staunchly defending the console, downvoting comments that offer any criticism at all, and saying how fantastic the 3DS is because of all the games that are coming soon!

    I nearly fell for the hype, even though it gave me a headache when I first played it, but I'm glad I didn't.  The console is £179 everywhere now, within a month of launch.  You can get Ridge Racer and a 3DS at Game for £205 now.  I'd put money on it being £150 tops by Xmas.

  35. Bear or bust says:

    I know you’ve moved on to pastures new now but here is a little song explaining why you shouldn’t buy a console at launch. I thought it quite good.



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